Top 12 TV's Biggest Turkeys

In an industry propped up by hits, the programming landscape is typically dominated by misses. Roughly 80% of all new shows fail; about a third of this year's freshman crop won't even make it past January. Figures like these have driven many to question network television's costly model, but none to actually alter it. And so it goes, another season of turkeys, as we've affectionately dubbed the shows that have already gotten the ax or are dangerously close to it.

Fox's Lone Star

Status: Done
The heavily marketed show about a big oil conman leading dual lives had the benefit of critical acclaim. Everything from the soapy series' out-of-the-box premise to its breakout leading man, James Wolk, garnered praise from early reviewers. But it wasn't enough to lure viewers. Some blame the show's unforgivable plot lines about cons and adultery; others blame its hard-to-define premise and hardly explanatory title. Whatever the reason, only 4 million or so tuned in, making it the fall season's first casualty.

ABC's My Generation

Status: Done
A documentary-style drama about nine people told in two time periods, the year 2000 and today. As show-runner Noah Hawley described it in his post-cancellation love letter to the show's loyal fan base: "No doctors, no lawyers, no murders to solve. Real life is dramatic enough. That was my feeling. … It was our great experiment, and then it was over." The end came when only 4 million or so tuned in, despite a plum Thursday night slot and a costly--albeit confusing--marketing campaign. Though the series was canceled after just two episodes, Hawley has completed eight episodes for release online.

NBC's Outlaw

Status: Done
Fans may chalk up Outlaw's early demise to the show's Conan O'Brien association. After all, it was the displaced NBC host's company that produced the Jimmy Smits legal series for the network. The reality: The series struggled on multiple fronts. Critics bemoaned its improbable plot lines and poor writing, and viewers lacked interest. The drama averaged some 4 million viewers in its original Friday night slot, and its cancellation was announced after just four episodes. (The four remaining episodes aired in a Saturday night timeslot.)

ABC's Whole Truth

Status: Done
Despite heavyweight Jerry Bruckheimer's involvement, a leading lady in ER darling Maura Tierney and a cushy Wednesday evening timeslot, the legal drama failure to pique the curiosity of viewers. Thus far this season, the Tierney star vehicle has averaged only 4.3 million viewers, reports Nielsen. Co-executive producer Kristie Anne Reed confirmed the show's cancellation in late October: "ABC gave us the word," she tweeted. "We will only make 13 episodes of The Whole Truth."

NBC's Undercovers

Status: Done
For those who think networks are incapable of--or at least uninterested in--canceling a J.J. Abrams show, think again. The latest high-concept drama from the famed producer-director featured a pair of retired, married spies who were lured back to the world of international intrigue. But viewers lacked the latter. According to Nielsen, the show averaged only 6 million or so viewers and will end its run after 13 episodes.

Fox's Running Wilde

Status: Over
Despite heavy hype and an all-star pairing of Mitch Hurwitz and Will Arnett, the duo that brought viewers cult hit Arrested Development has once again failed to snag an adequately sized audience. The difference this time around is a lack of widespread critical support for the ratings-starved comedy, which has averaged about 3.5 million viewers this season. Hardly a vote of confidence: Fox benched the series for the remainder of November sweeps. (Fox pulled Arrested during the similarly important February sweeps six years earlier, and it petered out in the months that followed.) Though no network likes to throw around the term "canceled," Fox has opted against ordering more episodes.

NBC's Chase

Status: Limping Along
Though the Jerry Bruckheimer series received a full 22-episode order, it has fallen short of CSI status. While not outright nasty, early reviews were far from winning--critics called the formulaic show "mindless" and "unimaginative." Still worse, only some 5 million viewers have regularly tuned in for episodes of the action series the network had hoped to make a tent-pole.

NBC's The Event

Status: Shedding Viewers
At this rate, viewers may not get to find out what "the event" is, much less care. In spite of its heavy hype from marketers and critics alike, the network's high-concept, serialized drama billed by some as Lost meets 24 came out of the gate strong, only to fizzle in the weeks that followed. Recent episodes have averaged fewer than 6 million viewers, down from 11 million-plus on premiere night, reports Nielsen. Earlier this month, the network announced plans to yank the series for three months beginning in December.

CBS's Medium

Status: Over
After seven seasons, two network homes, several awards, even more cancellation threats and a $58 million write down, the show's star Patricia Arquette announced the CBS drama would end its run. It will feel like déjà vu for long-time viewers, since former chief Ben Silverman once canceled it on NBC, where it had run until 2005. Given the strength of CBS' schedule, the 6 or 7 million viewers who regularly watch Medium aren't as appealing--and for that matter, necessary-- as they'd likely be at a lesser-watched rival.

CW's Life Unexpected

Status: Over
Despite early critical praise, the CW series failed to generate either the pop cultural attention of Gossip Girl or the ratings success of The Vampire Diaries. Instead, the Portland-based drama about a foster child who has reconnected with her birth parents has averaged about 1.5 million viewers an episode in its second season. Though an official announcement won't come until May, Lux's season has been cut to just 13 episodes and its future is far from bright.

NBC's Apprentice

Status: Limping Along
The network's decision to bring back the civilian version of Apprentice has proved a questionable one. The Donald Trump star vehicle, which once made a catch phrase out of "You're Fired," is lacking in buzz and viewership. In recent weeks, the show's audience hovered around 4 million. The 10 p.m. hour it currently occupies on Thursday evenings will be filled by a third hour of comedy come January. The good news for The Donald and his host network: The more popular celebrity iteration will return this spring.

NBC's Parenthood

Status: Limping along
Despite an all-star cast in front of the camera (Peter Krause, Lauren Graham, Dax Shepard) and behind (Friday Night Lights' Jason Katims), the series based on the late 1980s flick of the same name has struggled to find an audience. Its lackluster ratings followed a particularly rocky start care of a cancer-stricken cast member and an unrelated death on set. NBC will attempt to give the series another push with a new timeslot early next year.

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Top 15 Biggest Pop Culture Turkeys

When most people think turkey, they think of the North American gallinaceous bird we chow down on for Thanksgiving. But here at Wonderwall, turkey reminds us of people like Christina Aguilera and Ben Affleck. Why? 'Cause their major career flops are unforgettable. So in celebration of the upcoming holiday, we're counting down the biggest pop culture turkeys. Gobble gobble!

15. Christina Aguilera, "Bionic"

After 2006's Grammy-winning "Back to Basics," expectations were high for Christina's sixth studio album. And it's not like "Bionic" was bad, per se. But between

her postponing her tour for unknown reasons and allegations from Lady Gaga fans that Christina was copying Gaga's style, the album was doomed. Worldwide, it only sold 600,000 copies; compare that with the 4.5 million copies "Back to Basics" has sold.

14. Lindsay Price

We're sure she's a really nice lady, but Lindsay Price is TV Teflon. Sure, the pilots she's on get picked up, but how long do the series last? Take her latest show, "Eastwick," for example: Not only was it never picked up for a full season, but all 13 episodes of the 2009 NBC

show never even made it to air. Want more proof of Lindsay's TV turkeydom? "Lipstick Jungle," "Pepper Dennis," "Coupling."

13. Madonna as an actress

From "Shanghai Surprise" to "The Next Best Thing" to "Swept Away," there's no lack of examples of Madonna's suckiness as an actress. Yes, she's one of the great performers of all time, but give her lines and blocking instead of lyrics and choreography and she's a total train

wreck. Thankfully, she got the point after "Swept Away" (could it have been winning yet another Worst Actress Razzie that really drove the message home?). Now we get to look forward to her direction on "W.E." (yay?).

12. "Cutthroat Island"

A box office bomb’s costs exceeds its revenue. By that definition, "Cutthroat Island" wasn't just a bomb; it was a nuclear warhead. Listed in the Guinness Book of World Records as the largest box office loss of all time, the 1995 Geena Davis and Matthew Modine pirate thriller

cost $100 million to make and promote, but made just $11 million total at the box office. Not only that, but it pushed Carloco Pictures into bankruptcy.

11. JC Chasez's solo career

It's hard to live in Justin Timberlake's shadow. But after seeing his solo career explode, JC thought he could do the same. (He was the second-most-popular member of *NSYNC, after all.) But it just didn't work out that way. First of all, calling your album "Schizophrenic" and

wearing a straight jacket on the cover is bound to bring some anger from mental health groups. Also, let's not forget JC is just not JT. Besides, anyone with this facial hair is a turkey by definition.

10. "Coupling"

"Coupling" was about a group of six good-looking thirtysomethings who are either dating, have dated or want to date one another. The UK version was a smash hit, so in 2003 they tried to adapt it for a U.S. audience. It failed miserably (only four episodes aired), but we won't

blame this one all on Lindsay Price, who (surprise!) played Jane Honda.

9. Garth Brooks as Chris Gaines

In 1999 Garth Brooks had begun to develop a movie with Paramount called "The Lamb," in which he'd star as Chris Gaines, an emotionally conflicted rock star. To create buzz for the project, "Chris" recorded "Garth Brooks in … The Life of Chris Gaines," filmed a "Behind

the Music" for Chris and performed on "SNL" when Garth hosted. It all left the public confused, and as a result the album was a bust and the movie went on an indefinite hiatus. No wonder Rolling Stone called the whole project "the most monumentally disastrous marketing idea that mainstream pop had seen in years."

8. "Glitter"

If you've seen "Precious," you know Mariah Carey can act. But back in 2001 when "Glitter" came out, critics were singing a different tune. Reviews for the movie couldn't have been worse, and "Glitter" bombed at the box office. (It grossed just over $5 million worldwide, less

than a quarter of its $22 million budget.) Even the film's soundtrack was a dismal failure: It was Mariah's worst showing on the Billboard charts, and Mariah was dropped from her label as a result.

7. The Spice Girls, "Forever"

By 2000 Geri had peaced out of the Spice Girls, but Victoria, Mel B, Emma and Mel C had enough girl power left in them -- or so they thought. Unfortunately, their edgier R&B sound on "Forever" didn't resonate with audiences, and in early 2001, they officially announced

that they were breaking up. (Forever? Try for never -- or until 2007, when they did their reunion tour.)

6. Lindsay Lohan at Ungaro

Say what you want about Lindsay Lohan's personal life, but the girl has style. So in September 2009, when it was announced that Emanuel Ungaro hired her as its artistic adviser, it actually seemed like a good pairing. But when the collection, designed by Estrella Archs, was

presented that October in Paris, it was met with about as much praise as "I Know Who Killed Me." Women's Wear Daily called the collection "an embarrassment." What? They don't like heart-shaped sequined pasties? By March, Lindsay and Ungaro had parted ways.

5. Prince changing his name to the Love Symbol

Prince was actually born Prince Rogers Nelson, so he actually lucked out in the celebrity name game. So why he would want to change his name to an unpronounceable symbol is absolutely insane. But that's what he did in 1993. Since you can't pronounce the

symbol, people would just call him "The Artist Formerly Known as Prince." On May 16, 2000, after his contract with Warner/Chappell expired, Prince stopped using the Love Symbol moniker, explaining that since he was now freed from undesirable relationships associated with the name Prince, he would use his name again. And all was right with the world.

4. Jessica Simpson's country career

Jessica Simpson's a Texas girl who was raised on country music, so making country music would be a logical step in her career, right? So very, very wrong. While "Do You Know" became Jess's first #1 album of her career, it all went south from there. Less than a year

after the record's release, she and her country label, Sony Nashville, parted ways. Never a good sign.

3. "The Jay Leno Show"

Here are the dismal effects of the 10 p.m. "The Jay Leno Show" and NBC's subsequent flip-flopping: five wasted hours of primetime TV weekly; destroyed ratings for local NBC newscasts; made Jay Leno look like a selfish jerk; made NBC look like bumbling fools; NBC lost Conan

O'Brien. Sure, there's more, but we think that's enough to suffice for turkeydom.

2. "Gigli"

This Jennifer Lopez-Ben Affleck stinker doesn't just make the list because it was so awful that it was yanked from theaters three weeks after release. It's not just on here because it's the only movie ever to win the Razzie gram slam: Worst Picture, Worst Actor, Worst Actress, Worst

Director, Worst Screenplay and Worst Screen Couple. Nope, "Gigli" is mostly on here because it also contributed to the beginning of the end of Jen and Ben's relationship. RIP Bennifer 1.0.

1. Britney Spears's 2007 VMA "comeback"

Where were you when the bomb hit? The bomb that was Britney's 2007 MTV Video Music Awards performance. It was supposed to be her finest hour, her big comeback. Instead, it was an absolute bust. Who could forget that dazed look in her eyes as she basically just stood there,

unable to even lip-sync right while her backup dancers moved around her? But we'd say she made up for it since then, don't cha think?

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How to Fix 10 Common Thanksgiving Problems

If your turkey is still frozen, you'll defrost the bird faster by soaking it in a cold bath.

The Turkey Is Still Frozen

It’s 10 a.m. on Thanksgiving Day. Dinner is at 2 p.m. And the turkey, which has been thawing for days in the refrigerator, still feels frozen solid.

Solution
Give the bird a cold bath. Water is a much better conductor of heat than air in the refrigerator, so this method works faster, says Robert L. Wolke, professor emeritus of chemistry at the University of Pittsburgh and the author of What Einstein Told His Cook 2 ($26, amazon.com). Fill a large bucket or the kitchen sink with cool water and plunge the bird in, in the original wrapper, breast-side down.

To Baste or Not to Baste?

You want to put the bird in the oven and forget about it. Your husband wants to baste it at every commercial break.

Solution
It depends on your priorities. “Basting is purely a skin treatment,” says Wolke. Its only purpose is to facilitate browning and crisping. He adds that rubbing the turkey generously with oil or butter before you put it in the oven will do the job almost as well. (But be sure to pat the bird completely dry first; if the skin is wet, the fat won’t adhere.)

You Can’t Tell if the Turkey Is Done

The drumsticks wiggle. The juices run clear. But you’re still not sure if the turkey is ready.

Solution
Take its temperature. “You need a thermometer for dependable accuracy,” says Moulton. Insert one―oven-safe or instant-read―in several places, being careful not to allow the tip to touch bone.

According to the USDA, turkey is cooked through when the internal temperature of a thigh reaches 180° F. (When gauging doneness, keep in mind that the meat continues to cook―and subsequently rises a few degrees―even after it comes out of the oven.)

The Turkey Needs to Be Transferred

You need to deftly shift a hot, dripping, unwieldy turkey from roasting pan to carving board without…oops!

Solution
Ask yourself, Modern gadgetry or old-fashioned ingenuity? There are a number of products designed to minimize the awkwardness, from pricey (and iffy) turkey transport forks to extremely reliable roasting racks.

For a homespun alternative, scrunch up paper towels or aluminum foil in each hand as a buffer between hot bird and fingers, suggests Pam Anderson, author of Perfect Recipes for Having People Over ($35, amazon.com). Some home cooks prefer heavy-duty cleaning gloves. Others use oven mitts that are ready for the rag pile. Engineering types fashion a turkey hammock out of kitchen string and place it in the pan under the raw bird. Or you can simply reach for a couple of sturdy wooden spoons, indelicately insert one into each end of the bird, and let your steady hands guide the way.

The Turkey Has Gone Cold

By the time you allow the bird its prescribed resting period, it’s no longer warm.

Solution
Work around it. Before you slice, turkey requires at least 20 minutes to rest and allow the juices to redistribute. The laws of physics stipulate that the meat will―inevitably―cool. Anderson points out that hot gravy and side dishes can go a long way toward solving the problem. Warming the serving dishes and plates helps, too. Run them under very hot water and dry them just before dinner.

No Room on the Stove or in the Oven

You have all those side dishes to cook―and nowhere to cook them.

Solution
Plan ahead. “Obviously you can’t bake eight different things at eight different temperatures at the same time,” says Francine Maroukian, a former caterer and the author of Chef's Secrets ($17, amazon.com). You have to solve that problem when you’re creating the menu, not while you’re cooking it, she says. First, write up a list of all the things you’d like to make, then evaluate the number of burners and your oven space.

Flavorless Gravy

Your lumpless gravy glistens. Hurrah! But it has no flavor. Sigh.

Solution
Reach for a couple of common kitchen vices. A splash of fortified alcohol―Madeira, sherry, port―will lend a mellow richness to your gravy. And lots of salt (and freshly ground black pepper, if desired) will emphasize whatever flavor your gravy already claims.

To ensure a better gravy next time, boost the flavor of the pan drippings by strewing thickly sliced carrots, onions, and celery in the pan beneath the raw bird, suggests Anderson. Add just enough water to cover the bottom of the pan and, while the turkey roasts, the vegetables will caramelize, lending a depth of flavor to the drippings. Strain and discard the vegetables, or puree them and stir them into the gravy for a thick, sweet sauce. From-scratch turkey stock also prevents bland gravy. You can make and freeze the stock weeks in advance if you use turkey wings, which are available at most meat counters during the holiday season.

You Can’t Seem to Delegate Tasks

Several guests have offered to help. But with all burners running, you don’t know where to begin to delegate. Sometimes, you think, it’s easier to do everything yourself.

Solution
Be prepared with a list of noncooking tasks, and make sure everything required is in plain sight. Someone else can easily deal with drinks, opening the wine while you bring the turkey to the table, or making coffee while you clear the dishes. Appoint a sheepdog to herd everyone to the table, and give a five-minute warning that you’re serving hot food, since a couple of guests always seem to straggle.

And when everything really is covered, ask if you can take a rain check on help until cleanup time.

All Those Dirty Pots and Pans Waiting for You

You’d rather linger at the table than face the mess in the kitchen, even if that means hearing your mother explain―yet again―what hairstyle she finds most flattering on you.

Solution
Don’t save all the cleaning for after the meal. If you sit down to dinner with the roasting pan soaking in the sink, you’re doomed. But by making some recipes early in the day, you’ll have time in between dishes to clean. Even if you don’t make anything in advance, stop and wash something every half hour or so. Most important, get the bulky items―the roasting pan, the pot you made the mashed potatoes in―out of the way before you eat. That way, says Anderson, “when the meal is over, all you’ve got is the basic dishes.”

If you have a cleanup crew, designate a runner to bring in the dishes, a second person to transfer leftovers to containers, and a third to do the cleanup. (And be prepared with aprons, rubber gloves, and dish towels.)

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Over the Top Thanksgiving Turkeys

Suntanned Turkey

With a little aluminum-foil ingenuity, Thanksgiving can be just another day at the beach. Courtesy of the blogs The Whole Enchilada and Raven's Brain, we found an easy way to surprise your Thanksgiving dinner guests: (1) Cut out aluminum foil in desired swimsuit-inspired shapes. (2) Arrange the turkey in the roasting pan and position the foil carefully. (3) Roast according to your own recipe and serve. (4) Watch your guests' faces ...

Deep-Fried Turkey

This is it — traditional turkey with all the trimmings, except Jive Turkey owner Aricka Westbrooks deep-fries her turkeys in a pressurized fryer. This method yields crispy, golden-brown skin and remarkably tender, juicy meat that's ready in just 18 to 24 minutes. But this technique is not to be attempted by amateurs (it's even illegal in some states), so it's best to order from the professionals, like Jive Turkey, who ship nationwide.

Turducken

What would this list be without the opulent Cajun delicacy known as turducken? Part turkey, part duck, and part chicken, this bird-in-bird-in-bird masterpiece will provoke oohs and ahhs of delight. The Blue Star's version, which they ship nationwide, features deboned turkey stuffed with boneless chicken wrapped around duck breast fillet, layered with sage-butter bread stuffing and Andouille stuffing. Oooo-wee!

Lifelike Vegetarian Turkey

Forget tofurky — that vegan mainstay looks nothing like the real thing. Make way for the Vegetarian Plus brand Vegetarian Whole Turkey! This faux-meat bird is shaped like a real turkey, replete with drumsticks and a golden exterior, and is made from non-GMO soy. The whole turkey kit comes with a 4-pound turkey, a pound of Himalayan Barley Fried Rice as stuffing, and a pound of gravy.

Barbecue Whole Turkey

Described as the "prime beef" of the white-meat world, Joe's barbecue whole turkey comes in regular-, Cajun-, or jalapeño-smoked. As long as you live in the continental U.S., you and 10 of your loved ones can enjoy this slow-cooked Texas masterpiece on Thanksgiving. The bird ships cooked but frozen, so order early enough to allow 72 hours to thaw.

Thanksgiving Dinner Cake

Why stop at the main course when you're craving turkey? Delight your guests during dessert with this sweet Thanksgiving Dinner cake! The cake, which can be prepared in any flavor, is frosted with just the right shade of chocolate buttercream. Trimmings are created with colored frosting, whipped cream, cinnamon-dusted challah bread. Delish!

Beer-Can Turkey

We're not sure who invented this moist method of meat cookery, but beer and poultry make great partners. For detailed instructions on how to cook a beer-can turkey on your home grill, we turn to a post from Cooking for Engineers. Blogger Michael Chu explains it all, from the best way to brine to the optimal-size beer can and the tastiest blend of spices.

Roast Turkey with Alligator Stuffing

Unleash some wild Bayou flavor with this Cajun-style delicacy. The chefs at Hebert's stuff a whole boneless turkey with this one-of-a-kind rice stuffing that features onions, bell peppers, and alligator meat smothered in a zesty Cajun-spiced tomato sauce. Hebert's makes and ships a variety of New Orleans-style stuffed turkeys, but the alligator caught our eye.

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